Are you looking for the best funny quotes about money? Well, look no further.
Today, I’ve rounded up 99 quotes about money from some of the most prominent figures of all time.
These quotes range from the likes of Robin Williams, Robert De Niro, Bill Murray, Benjamin Franklin, Malcolm Forbes, and heaps more.
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Anyways, let’s get straight into the top 99 funny quotes about money.
Funny Quotes on Money
- “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” – Spike Milligan
- “Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
- “I am having an out of money experience.” – Unknown
- “You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” – Sweet Dick Willie
- “I don’t understand people who say ‘I don’t know how to thank you.’ Like they never heard of money.” – Unknown
- “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown
- “They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Unknown
- “People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” — Doug Larson
- “I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
- “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” – Henry Youngman
- “Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.” – Unknown
- “A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels” — Harry Lauder
- “I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.” – Unknown
- “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
- “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel
- “Always borrow from a pessimist, he won’t expect it back.” – Unknown
- “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” — Robin Williams
- “A successful man is one who makes more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
- “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
- “Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.” – William Somerset Maugham
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
- “If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.” — George Bernard Shaw
- “Use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren’t allowed to be normal.” – Johnny Depp
- “Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
- “I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid.” – Unknown
- “Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.” — J. Paul Getty
- “The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.” –Alexander Knox
- “Money makes your life easier. If you’re lucky to have it, you’re lucky.” – Robert De Niro
- “I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” — Brooke Shields
- “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” – Groucho Marx
- “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” — Bo Derek
- “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
- “Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does” — Jane Austen
- “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
- “Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.” — Joan Rivers
- “I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet.” – Carrie Bradshaw
- “Kids: Because having money, sanity, hair and personal space is overrated.” – Unknown
- “I made money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” – Malcolm Forbes
- “You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don’t say nothin’ ’bout the money. ‘Hi, how ya doin’? How’s ya mama doing?’ Man, how’s my money doin’?” – Chris Tucker
- “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
Funny Money Quotes
- “I don’t mind that I’m fat. You still get the same money.” – Marlin Brando
- “I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” – Fran Lebowitz
- “Rise early, work hard, strike oil” — J. Paul Getty
- “To make a million, start with $900,000.” – Morton Shulman.
- “In case you’re a newer parent, my kids are playing in a cardboard box and pretending that bars of soap are toys, so save yourself some money.” – Unknown
- “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy when they have one” — Rita Rudner
- “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin
- “If there’s a will, there are 500 relatives.” – Unknown
- “What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Unknown
- “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” – J. Paul Getty
- “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.” — Will Rogers
- “Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” – Bill Vaughn
- “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: Rich is better” — Sophie Tucker
- “Early to bed, early to rise, keeps you healthy, wealthy and wise.” – Benjamin Franklin
- “If I tell the kids I can’t buy them something the standard response is, ‘Just use the card’, so clearly they’re set up for financial success.” – Unknown
- “There’s nothing in life that I love more than money.” – Unknown
- “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
- “If saving money is wrong, I don’t want to be right!” – William Shatner
- “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
- “It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are.” – Unknown
- “I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.” — Clinton Jones
- “We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.” – Buzzie Bavasi
- “Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves” — Zig Ziglar
- “I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.” – Ron Kittle
- “Too much money ain’t enough money.” – Lil Wayne
- “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” – James Arthur Baldwin
- “If you’re given the choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” – Katharine Hepburn
- “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” – David Lee Roth
- “Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
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- “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” – Jack Yelton
- “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” – Douglas Adams.
- “It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich.” — Alan Alda
- “Anyone who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t have any.” – Unknown
- “Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.” – Richard Friedman
- “Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice.” – Tim Ferriss
- “When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.” — Fern Naito
- “Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer.” – Unknown
- “Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale.” — Zig Ziglar
- “A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.” — Unknown
- “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” JP Getty.
- “Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted.” – Tug McGraw
- “Too many people spend money to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.” – Will Rogers
- “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” — Keith Davis
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
- “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” — Max Asnas
- “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor
- “If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.” – Unknown
- “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by 4 o’clock.” – Henny Youngman
- “Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about’? We thought they were going to hit us but instead they destroyed the housing market.” – Unknown
- “Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells.” – J. Paul Getty
- “Acting used to be how I paid the rent, but I sold a tequila company for a billion f***ing dollars. I don’t need money.” – George Clooney
- “I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?” – Homer Simpson
- “This would be a much better world if couples were in love as much as they are in debt.” – Earl Wilson
- “If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.” – James Goldsmith
- “I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
- “Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No pockets.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Wrapping Up: 99 Funny Quotes About Money
So that wraps up the top 99 funny quotes about money from some prominent figures.
I really hope you’ve enjoyed this roundup of quotes.
Quotes have always been motivating and inspiring for my finance and business journey, and I hope they work the same for you too.
As always, be sure to bookmark or share this page so you can always come back to it and have a laugh.
Which of these funny quotes about money was your favourite?